Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I fill condoms, not promises.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
It's shark week go big or go home
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
