Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
