can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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