i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
The police scanner is talking about you again....
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
