You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Even my vagina gasped.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
