i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I skipped work to stalk him.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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