Don't make out with my wife yet
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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