I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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