I haven't been this sober since birth.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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