I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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