i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
