my mouth tastes like poor choices
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Randomize
