My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I am mentally ready for anal.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
