He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
