It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
