I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
