He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
