saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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