I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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