mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i think i have two assholes
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
