Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
