I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
