um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
