Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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