I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
