You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
