Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
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