this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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