I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
