I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
