I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
