oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
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