If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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