I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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