I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
