Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
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