she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
