I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
