If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
