I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
