yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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