I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Hippo gnu deer
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
