I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I cut my penus on the lid.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
