after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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