I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Randomize
