I look better un-naked...
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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