i just sent this text using only my big toe
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
