____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
