Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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