I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
